Older parents getting more forgetful: what can family do?

If your older parents seem more forgetful, the first step is to notice what kind of forgetting it is. Taking longer to recall a name or now and then putting the keys down somewhere new is common with age: the US National Institute on Aging (NIA) calls this mild forgetfulness and says it is often a normal part of ageing. Day to day, family can help in practical ways: a steady routine and simple memory aids at home, time with people, daily movement, a hearing check, and a review of all medicines with the doctor. If forgetting starts to make daily life hard, or your parent asks the same questions over and over or gets lost in places they know well, take them to a doctor.

This article is about older parents. If you are worried about your own memory in midlife, see More forgetful in your 40s? What can you start doing now?

Why do older parents seem more forgetful?

Changes that come with age

The NIA explains that as people grow older, changes occur in all parts of the body, including the brain. Some people notice they do not remember information as well as they once did and cannot recall it as quickly. They may also occasionally misplace things or forget to pay a bill. The NIA describes these as signs of mild forgetfulness, not a serious memory problem.

Other things that can play a part

The NIA lists several factors other than age that may cause memory problems. Some of them are things family can notice:

• Sleep problems
• Medicine side effects
• Big life changes and strong feelings: the NIA gives the example of someone who has recently retired or lost a spouse and feels sad, lonely, worried or bored, and says forgetfulness from stress and difficult feelings is usually temporary and improves as those feelings fade
• Drinking too much alcohol
• Not eating enough healthy foods

Hearing that looks like forgetting

The NIA's page on loneliness notes that older adults who cannot hear well are sometimes mistakenly thought to be confused, unresponsive or uncooperative. A parent who "never remembers what you told them" may not have heard it clearly in the first place.

Which kind of forgetting is normal, and which needs a doctor?

The NIA puts it simply: it is normal to forget things once in a while at any age, but serious memory problems make it hard to do everyday things such as driving, using the phone and finding the way home.

Examples the NIA gives of forgetting that comes with age

• recalling names or information more slowly than before
• misplacing things from time to time
• occasionally forgetting to pay a bill
• forgetting which day it is and remembering it later
• sometimes forgetting which word to use

Signs the NIA says it may be time to talk with a doctor

• asking the same questions over and over again
• getting lost in places they used to know well
• having trouble following recipes or directions
• becoming more confused about time, people and places
• not taking care of themselves, such as eating poorly, not bathing or behaving unsafely

These lists are a guide for what to watch, not a score. If you are unsure, the NHS advises not trying to work out the cause yourself and seeing a doctor instead.

How common are these things in older Thai people?

What these numbers can and cannot tell us

The Chiang Mai figure comes from a screening questionnaire given by village health volunteers, not from a doctor's assessment, and covers rural districts of one province. Loneliness was asked with a single question, and hearing and seeing difficulties were reported by the older people themselves. These figures show how common each thing is in the groups studied. They do not show what causes forgetfulness.

What can family do day to day?

The habits below are everyday habits the NIA and other public health bodies suggest for older adults in general, to make daily life with forgetfulness easier.

Keep a routine and simple memory aids

The NIA suggests following a daily routine, planning tasks, making to-do lists, using calendars and notes, and putting the wallet, keys, phone and glasses in the same place each day. A large wall calendar, a fixed hook for keys and a pill box set up with the pharmacist can make daily life easier.

Keep in touch

The NIA's tips for staying connected include scheduling time each day to be in touch with family, friends and neighbours, in person or by phone or video call, and taking up an old hobby or a class. If you live apart, a regular phone call at the same time each day is a simple start.

Move together

The NHS physical activity guidelines for older adults advise being physically active every day, even if it is just light activity, doing activities that improve strength, balance and flexibility on at least 2 days a week, aiming for 150 minutes of moderate activity a week, and breaking up long periods of sitting. Walking to the market together or a morning walk around the village both count. For balance and falls, see My older parent is afraid of falling. How can we help?

Check their hearing

The NIA advises talking with a doctor if you think you might have a hearing problem. The NHS lists signs of hearing loss such as asking people to repeat themselves, having the TV louder than others need and finding it hard to keep up with a conversation, and advises seeing a GP if hearing seems to be getting gradually worse.

Review all medicines with the doctor or pharmacist

Because the NIA lists medicine side effects among the factors that may affect memory, bring every medicine your parent uses, including those bought without a prescription, to one appointment with the doctor or pharmacist. Do not stop or change any medicine on your own.

Protect their sleep

The US CDC gives 7 to 8 hours as the recommended amount of sleep for adults aged 65 and over, and suggests going to bed and getting up at the same time every day. If your parent wakes often at night, see Older parents waking up at night: how can family help?

How can I talk with my parent about it?

Start from what they notice

Ask what they find harder than before, rather than pointing out mistakes. Some parents feel embarrassed about forgetting, so talk in private and calmly.

Write down what you see

Note examples with dates: what was forgotten, how often and whether it affected daily life. The NHS says it can help to bring someone to the appointment who can describe what they have noticed, and a written list makes that easier.

When should we see a doctor, and where can we get help?

See a doctor

The NIA's signs for talking with a doctor are listed above: asking the same questions over and over, getting lost in familiar places, trouble following recipes or directions, more confusion about time, people and places, and not taking care of themselves. The NIA also advises getting help if someone feels sad for weeks at a time.

The NHS advises seeing a GP if memory problems are affecting day-to-day life, and says that if you are worried about an older relative becoming increasingly forgetful, you can talk to a GP about it. In Thailand, you can start with a doctor at a nearby hospital or health-promoting hospital, who can refer your parent on if needed.

Support for the family

Looking after a parent whose memory is changing can be tiring. In Thailand, the 1323 mental health hotline is free and open 24 hours a day if you need to talk things through.